This post was written to inspire some women I know to rebel, just a little at first, just think about it a little, and throw off all guilt for doing so.
What is this force that makes us educated, self-sufficient, otherwise strong and intelligent women put up with constant emotional abuse in the name of adjustment? Look at some of the typical excuses we give for not fighting back:
1. My husband doesn’t support me
2. My parents won’t support me
3. My in-laws will never understand
4. Society won’t support my choices
5. It’s against my culture to rebel and question
6. I may suffer now but I will be rewarded in the afterlife
We always, always think about others – never about ourselves. We always, always look for ways to give, to shrink, to render ourselves invisible, to destroy our very identity. We’re so good at giving, in fact, that mothers and fathers give daughters away during kanyadaan – the greatest daan of all. We give away our daughters and we treasure our sons. We daughters let ourselves be given away and then wonder why such few Indian husbands support and treasure their wives.
Why would a man ever support an outsider to his home over his family? It’s the woman who has uprooted herself. It’s the woman who has nowhere to return to. In the typical arranged marriage, the man already has all his needs met (except perhaps for sex). He’s safe, secure, and comfortable. His relationships and loyalties remain intact. Why would he risk this stability for a woman whom he barely knows? Even a decade into the relationship, isn’t it easier for one voice to be stifled than for a dozen to change? Why not just condition women to take on all the burdens?
Cue mythology. It’s not unlike the myth of Sugarcandy Mountain in Animal Farm. The present is so bleak and the struggle so great that it’s easy to believe in an afterlife. It’s easy to believe that reward is proportional to suffering. Once it was the pativratas; today it’s the soap opera heroines who set the example of meek submission.
But for once, why not stop and question? What about my needs? Do I support myself? Do I believe I’m worthy of being respected and loved just the way I am without having to obliterate my entire identity to match someone else’s ideal? Do I believe that I deserve to be treated as a human being with emotions, flaws, and finite energy reserves? Do I believe I have a right to happiness? Can we wonder, it at least to ourselves even if not aloud, what if there’s no afterlife?
What if this is the only life we have? What if we’re wrong about the laws of karma? What if we are wrong about the merits of self-sacrifice? What if we are wrong about the benefits of being in a dysfunctional marriage? What if we start acknowledging and acting on our own needs? What will happen? Why are we so afraid? Why do we think rebellion is for other people? Why do we think it’s rebellion? Why not think it’s self preservation? Why not think of it as our children’s education?
Our sons learn how to treat their wives by watching us. Our daughters learn how they’re expected to behave from us. Do we want to teach them the ideal of self-sacrifice? Do we want our daughters to learn that they will be judged by the roundness of their chapatties and their ability to please a hundred people at once? Do we want our sons to learn that it’s a choice between wife and mother? Or do we want them to realize that it’s deeply dysfunctional to have to choose? Do we want our children to feel that marriage disrupts existing bonds? Or do we want to teach them that it’s a chance to build a family of your own?
It’s ok to fight back and stand up for yourself. It’s ok to be the person you are. It’s ok to refuse to budge. It’s ok to establish boundaries. You are not just a wife and mother. Be who you really are. If someone can’t appreciate you for yourself, then you don’t really need them.
